Blog Posts

"Religion is for Those Who Don't Want to Go to Hell --- Spirituality is for Those Who Have Been There"

8/14/2022

For some Neuro-Diverse people the way we were going to manage that RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSE was --- we were going to be PERFECT and the people around us we're going to be PERFECT.

Not only were we not PERFECT BUT a lot of the things we were were doing were BURNING OURSELVES and THOSE AROUND US OUT.

Also ---- WE'RE UNCONSCIOUSLY BREAKING OURSELVES and OTHERS down with PARTIAL ONE-SIDED VIEWS of our own and others' STRENGTHS and WEAKNESSES.

In fairness, it takes ENERGY to deal with this much more complicated reality of ourselves and others --- especially, when we don't generally have all the information we need to SMOOTHLY navigate all this.

We're born into the MIDDLE of A STORY ---

We try to figure it out as fast as we can ---
AND we don't see the end.

I was listening to the interview of a woman who was a member of the Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston and she said ----"If I bet on love ---I may suffer but I'm not going to lose."

Bringing Religion in from the Cold

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Relationships are "PERSONAL" --- BUT Many of the Drivers are "IMPERSONAL"

Especially in the world today --- looking at Neuro-Developmental Differences, Psychiatric Disorders and Substance Issues ----
- That's not just affecting a HANDFUL OF PEOPLE --- It's affecting MILLIONS and probably over a BILLION PEOPLE.
  - In the US --- low grade inflammation is the NORM

In some ways --- IF WE CAN SURVIVE IT --- Neuro-Developmental Differences may be the ANTIDOTE to the ME GENERATION
- Just as Climate Change is FORCING A RECKONING on the ENVIRONMENTAL LEVEL.

With Genetics, Epigenetics, Developmental Inflammation and Inflammation Acquired During the Lifetime ----
- That is pushing PRECISION MEDICINE.

It's also pushing an understanding of HISTORY, of Issues that stand out like GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, but also AUTO-IMMUNE DISEASE and perhaps uncovering long-term biological challenges in the move away from AGRICULTURAL SOCIETIES --
- that weren't perfect either.

Ramped Up Stress Responses Often Lead to Control Freaks

8/7/2022

I think "Controlling Behavior" is a big deal for most people whether ---

They are primarily Abstract Thinkers or
Are Very Concrete or
Have a MIX

To me, it is a lot about RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSES.

To illustrate --- Controlling Behavior from more CONCRETE THINKERS.

So I'm starting to get "BACK OUT THERE" and start hanging out at the equivalent of Neuro-Diverse Singles Bars without any ALCOHOL (generally) -

BUT plenty of PATTERNS
I'm speaking of various forms of CHOREOGRAPHED DANCING.

So I am in some ways like Frank James --- a big time ABSTRACT THINKER ---

But CHOREOGRAPHED SOCIAL DANCING doesn't just attract ABSTRACT THINKERS -

it also attracts a lot of ENGINEERS and COMPUTER GUYS, etc.

See James is under the MISAPPREHENSION that ABSTRACT THINKERS are the most CONTROLLING because he so in his head.

So am I.

BUT it is really the CONCRETE THINKERS who are telling everyone what to do.

The ABSTRACT THINKERS are keeping it to themselves and quietly imploding ---
AND the MIX are trying to APPROPRIATELY ASSERTIVELY COMMUNICATE.

So I'm at one of these dances last night and some of this stuff has been rubbing me the wrong way

The sort of "TEACHER" attitude ---
- I don't mind if you are the "TEACHER" but if NOT --- ZIP IT.

When I say "TEACHER" attitude I'm referring to both CORRECTION and trying to "CONTROL" through praise.

I don't mind a well-intentioned correction or the nice compliment --- BUT I'm not looking for a pat on the head and some of these guys are just trying to correct everybody.

Kinda like I try to correct everyone on this website.

If I sound ultra sensitive -- that's because I am.

Anyway I'm at one of these dances the other night and this nice older gentleman asks me my name -- Val and its short for VALERIE.
- Well, he precedes to tell me that Valerie is much prettier and that's what I should go by.
- "DO I KNOW YOU?"
- AND even if I did know you . . . really?

"CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR" is something that most of us do ----

AND you can get out of "HOMEOSTASIS" or some kind of BALANCE.
If your STRESS RESPONSE is RAMPED UP ---
- may be getting out of "HOMEOSTASIS" or that Aristotelian Mean -- more than you realize
  - Especially, if the CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR is CALMING YOU.

I think that is the problem with "CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR" --- it's really about trying to CALM the person exercising the CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.

And people with RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSES are often looking to CALM THEMSELVES.

I love this IDEA that "AWARENESS" can make things "BETTER ALREADY."

Frank James --- ABSTRACT THINKER that he is --- ends his meditation on "INFJs" and Controlling Behavior with "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE."

If that doesn't feel appropriate maybe "UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD" for ourselves and others ---
AND at least trying to get some AWARENESS of "CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR" that I think can be pretty common BUT comes in a lot of different guises.

LIKE THIS BLOG.

*Myers-Brigg is popular BUT a lot of studies have found it -- "meaningless."

I think it gives people a vocabulary to discuss "personality" traits --- in some ways not unlike the DSM --- although we're putting a lot more "FAITH" in the DSM.

So this is PROBLEMATIC ---- people do need a VOCABULARY/DICTIONARY even if it is an IMPERFECT one.

BUT from a LEGAL, ETHICAL and MORAL standpoint we wouldn't use Myers-Brigg in the CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM --- and we really shouldn't be using DSM CATEGORIES either.

THAT IS HUGELY PROBLEMATIC --- But a Public Health Approach to Criminal Justice could sure help.

Mommy and Daddy Issues in Neuro-Diversity--- Recognizing Different Patterns

8/7/2022

Conjecture

One of the things that we tend to do over the course of a LIFETIME is recognize PATTERNS in RELATIONSHIPS.
We also are sometimes/generally forced to recognize where those PATTERNS are NOT THE SAME.

I didn't grow up in a family with traditional sexual stereotypes ---

My Parents encouraged us to do what we wanted to do.
Both my parents were neat freaks --- and my Dad especially ---
- There was going to be ORDER IN THAT HOUSE--- he was very nice about it and he really didn't mind doing it himself --- BUT there was going to be ORDER IN THAT HOUSE.

What I did grow up with and what I think most people grow up with is "INTELLIGENCE STEREOTYPES."

"A Cluttered Desk is a Cluttered Mind" --- which was said with a SENSE of HUMOR and there weren't going to be any cluttered desks or kitchen tables if my Dad was around.

I didn't just wake up one day and become CHRONICALLY DISORGANIZED --- it's been a pretty constant feature ---

BUT because I did well in School
And SCHOOL sometimes favors the STRENGTHS of GIRLS---
It wasn't perceived to be a huge problem --- and I think my parents thought I would grow out of it.
Unfortunately for me, I did so well in school that I picked a PROFESSION in which ORGANIZATION is a BIG COMPONENT.
- So that takes a lot out of me.

For my generation --- it was so much about getting that EDUCATION and there was little thought about how all of this was going to work out into a COHERENT WHOLE.

That's a lot less true today.
If you got that EDUCATION --
- It meant you were "SMART"
- and it was going to work out.

Jennifer Lopez
Ain't Your Mama

Helen Reddy --- "I Am Woman" (1971)
(I was 8 years old in 1971)

I CANNOT DO ANYTHING or EVERYTHING. If I try to do EVERYTHING --- I WILL BURNOUT and/or BREAKDOWN.

Further, because my SENSORY PROCESSING is SO RAMPED UP it takes me more time to PROCESS all that ---

I think I generally get a better answer.
But it is taking MORE TIME.

Additionally, especially when it comes to being a HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN with a FAMILY& NEURO-DIVERSE ---

You can really be perceived as an ODDBALL.
AND this Society is definitely NOT SET UP FOR YOU.

HOW THIS TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE:

Both Sides Now

I think this does have a lot to do with RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSES and why so many Neuro-Diverse people struggle in RELATIONSHIPS.

Maybe Neuro-Typical people are struggling too and are Stressed BUT
Thankfully have not reached that NEURO-DIVERSE STRESS THRESHOLD.

ASYNCHRONY, INTEGRATIVE THINKING & THE NEED FOR A "THIRD ALTERNATIVE"

7/31/2022

Conjecture

Neuro-Diverse people often have ASYNCHRONOUS DEVELOPMENT
- they often have BIG STRENGTHS and
- BIG CHALLENGES

Our SYSTEMS are not really set up to deal with the VARIETY and INDIVIDUALITY that's out there.

CATEGORIES help us DEAL WITH the COMPLEXITY of VARIETY & INDIVIDUALITY --
- The BIG PROBLEM we have now in MENTAL HEALTH is that the CATEGORIES in the DSM are NOT ACCURATE.
- "CATEGORIES" are a kind of PARADIGM.
- AND if they are "WRONG" it matters a lot.
- History of SCIENCE and INTELLECTUAL HISTORY are PUNCTUATED by "PARADIGM SHIFTS."

Thomas Kuhn

So this is a Blog about "RELATIONSHIPS" --- why am I talking about big SOCIETAL PARADIGMS?

Because as INDIVIDUALS or for that matter as PROFESSIONALS we're bringing those SOCIETAL PARADIGMS to the TABLE ----- CONSCIOUSLY, SEMI-CONSCIOUSLY and UNCONSCIOUSLY.

If my "PARADIGMS" don't include "ASYNCHRONOUS DEVELOPMENT" --- I may be in for a RUDE AWAKENING on multiple fronts --- including:

my Spouse
my Kids, and
myself

Further, there may be SIMILARITIES --- But that "ASYNCHRONOUS DEVELOPMENT" can play out very differently even in the SAME FAMILY.

Further, IDENTIFYING with a group or groups --- FEELS SAFE BUT it can actually prevent us from coming to terms with our own INDIVIDUALITY and that of others.

Steven Morgan: Soteria Vermont Project Manager

Addresses the Knowledge Challenges that are plaguing Mental Health.

Deborah Tannen: Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University, Author & Communication Expert

Deborah Tannen

Helen Keller

Thomas Kuhn: The Structure of Scientific Revolutions (1962)

Mom & School Psychologist Cait Curley

Asynchronous Development and The Gifted Child

I truly believe that if more people understood the concept of asynchronous development, and began to think of giftedness as asynchrony, many of the gifted myths would be dispelled.

Gifted students would no longer be equated with high achievers.

People would realize that gifted children do not have it easy and that they are not easy to raise.

The term twice-exceptional would make sense to more people.

People would begin to understand that these asynchronous children have unique and special needs.

Rather than being viewed as elitist, gifted support would be seen as a necessary part of a child’s development.

Intellectually, they need to be with peers with whom they can relate.

Roger Martin --- Professor Emeritus of University of Toronto School of Management --- popularizer of "INTEGRATIVE THINKING" --- See Thinking About Thinking

I'd like to see ---

"INTEGRATIVE THINKING" used to Solve "Wicked Problems" like Relationships & Societal Integration for Neuro-Diverse ASYNCHRONOUS People

Stephen Covey

Stephen Covey --- Author of the hugely successful 7 Habits of Highly Effective People --- that was marketed as BUSINESS MANAGEMENT -- and was a lot about FAMILIES.

"A third alternative moves beyond your way or my way to a higher and better way—one that allows both parties to emerge from debate or even heated conflict in a far better place than either had envisioned. "

----The 3rd Alternative: Solving Life's Most Difficult Problems

You Don't Know, What You Don't Know --- But You Can Keep Learning

7/20/2022

Conjecture

Let's just say I don't think it is necessarily easy to deal with NEURO-DIVERSITY as a parent --- BUT it can be a lot easier than as a SPOUSE or even as an INDIVIDUAL.
- Ironically, we often do make BETTER DECISIONS for others than we do for ourselves.
- Further, if a kid or a spouse feels REJECTED --- they are NOT going to be very open to any SUGGESTIONS.
- Even further, if I feel REJECTED --- I'm not going to be very open to SUGGESTIONS.
- Finally, if the person who is making the SUGGESTIONS doesn't really understand THE LIMITATION or CHALLENGE---
  - The SUGGESTIONS are probably NOT going to be very good.

When I say NEURO-DIVERSITY I'm referring to ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Giftedness, OCD, etc.

So generally, these issues are NOT implicating the BIG --- Danger to Self or Others Concerns.
- Although, some people with serious impulsiveness issues can implicate these concerns.

University of Texas School of Business
Group Think

What NEURO-DIVERSITY is really implicating are our GROUP THINK IDEAS about what is REASONABLE when it comes to:
- Short Term Memory
- Organization
- Emotional Regulation
- For some people READING
- Fatigue
- Etc.

I think we need to adopt DEMING'S approach to "MANAGEMENT"--
- DRIVE OUT FEAR, and
- GO FOR CONTINUOUS IMPROVEMENT

If there is a real SAFETY CONCERN --- by all means address it.

BUT I think in many cases, the issues are EXACERBATED because we don't think any "REASONABLE PERSON" could have the EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING ISSUES that MILLIONS of smart people with NEURO-DEVELOPMENTAL DIFFERENCES in fact have.

Executive Functioning Differences----You can't work on a SUPPORT PLAN & Work Arounds if you're too busy fighting REALITY

7/3/2022

I don't think you can ignore executive functioning differences ---

But trying to FIX the person's DEVELOPMENTAL DIFFERENCES given current knowledge is not gonna work.
- Further, in a lot of Neuro-Diverse Relationships in which both partners may have some aspects of Neuro-Diversity
  - Those unrealistic judgments may be going in BOTH DIRECTIONS.

Most Neuro-Diverse Families are going to have complicated Executive Functioning needs of individuals within the family that need to be accommodated or worked around.

The more UNDERSTANDING & SUPPORT there is from the SOCIETY --- the EASIER it will be for everyone.

As hard as it is --- you often have to FACTOR IN --- SLOW PROCESSING.

I think for a lot of us --- we were often considered "SMART" and "HARD-WORKING" --- and we had a really hard time identifying that we couldn't do things in the same way as NEURO-TYPICALS and avoid a BURNOUT or BREAKDOWN.

The fact is we have a lot of Neuro-Diverse people in this Society and they're BURNING OUT and BREAKING DOWN ----

It's going to take INDIVIDUALIZED & COORDINATED EFFORTS on the part of Individuals BUT
I think it also takes INDIVIDUALIZED MEDICINE
AND More Understanding & Experience with working with these differences not just in a VACUUM but in FAMILIES, COMMUNITIES, WORK ENVIRONMENTS, etc.

The EFFORT on the part of Neuro-Diverse people TO MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS & WORK AROUNDS is often SQUARED or MORE.

The likelihood that you may be in a relationship or have kids with IDIOSYNCRATIC DIFFERENCES is probably pretty high.
The likelihood that you may work for "Neuro-Typicals" who have no understanding of your needs is also probably pretty high.
Maybe even more likely that you're working for a Neuro-Diverse ENTREPRENEUR who really needs you to be a "Neuro-Typical."

So there are the TWO BIG AREAS: Work & Love

It is all connected.

BUT it is NOT just Work & Love --- this also includes the Community and the need for Neuro-Diverse people to CONTRIBUTE to the Community and be part of the Community ----

Time, Empathy, Relationships & Economics

6/26/2022

Thinking is hard and if you are trying to understand someone who thinks even a little bit differently than you do --- that's "EFFORT."

Some people now and likely more in the future are going to have more information and understanding to NEGOTIATE NEURO-DIVERSITY upfront rather than FAR DOWN THE ROAD in their RELATIONSHIPS.

Neurodiversity is something that to the extent possible needs to be SPECIFICALLY NEGOTIATED UP FRONT in RELATIONSHIPS, especially ---
- Long Term Relationships and
- Work Relationships

Whether it's a life partner or a business partner -- accurate information and some creativity and care can make the difference ---

BUT going into this in the dark can be a NIGHTMARE and it's not fun for anybody.

We're way ahead of people before us and a lot of that is due to the Youtube efforts of Neurodiverse people.

BUT we've got a long way to go.

There's an enormous need for INFORMATION, UNDERSTANDING and BETTER TREATMENTS.

I think we need to really address what it is going to take for some people to manage that RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSE.
- I think it's a lot more than we've traditionally thought.

We need to invest the Time and Money for BETTER UNDERSTANDINGS and TREATMENTS.

Louise Taylor is a Neurodiverse Therapist and she herself has an AUTISM DIAGNOSIS and she certainly comes across as one of the MOST EMPATHETIC PEOPLE one is likely to ever meet.

EMPATHY IS EFFORT.

TIME IS MONEY

If you're a "SLOW PROCESSOR"
- maybe because you're processing more information
And you're Neuro-Diverse
Your spouse is Neuro-Diverse
and your kids are Neuro-Diverse
SOMEBODY(S) needs to EXERCISE A LOT of EMPATHY --- to FIGURE THAT OUT in 2022.
That is a TIME COST.

It is a profoundly PERSONAL and also ECONOMIC ISSUE to raise our understanding of Neuro-Developmental Differences for:

Individuals
Couples
Families
Workers and
Entrepreneurs

EMPATHY is EFFORT ---

But in the LONG RUN -- it is worth it.

Neuro-DIVERSE Relationships: A SOMETIMES TWO-WAY STREET in need of accurate maps

6/21/2022

I think there are relationships in which one person may be more "Neuro-Typical" than the other.
I also think there are A LOT of RELATIONSHIPS in which BOTH partners have significant aspects of NEURO-DIVERSITY.
Further, the MORE BLURRED that is --- without BIOMARKERS ---
- the MORE DIFFICULT it is to figure out the DYNAMICS and the NEEDS of BOTH people
- Especially, if you BOTH are FEELING and SAYING --- "THAT'S NOT REASONABLE."
  - You can BOTH spend a lot of time trying to prove to the other person that they aren't REASONABLE---
  - While RELATIONSHIP ACCOMMODATIONS and WORK AROUNDS that could make BOTH of your lives better are MISSED.

Now anybody can UNILATERALLY TERMINATE a Relationship and there are certainly REASONS for doing that ---
- BUT I think for many Neuro-Diverse Couples -- the relationship could benefit with more KNOWLEDGE and INSIGHT.
- Going most of your life without that KNOWLEDGE or INSIGHT is HARD and it likely will be HARD on your RELATIONSHIPS.
- NOT having an ACCURATE MAP and the SOCIETY NOT having an ACCURATE MAP of your experience is STRESS PRODUCING.
  - This is RELATIVE.
  - There is NO PERFECT MAP out there, but the MORE INACCURATE THE MAP, the MORE STRESS --- Val's Law of SOCIAL MAPS & STRESS.

Further, most Neuro-Diverse People ALREADY HAVE A RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSE
- It's NOT all bad --
- BUT it is NOT all good either ---

Old World Map

I think Neuro-Diverse People can look pretty PATHOLOGICAL when they are trying to manage that SENSORY / INFORMATION Overload.

Because the RESPONSE --- whether it is Fight, Flight or Freeze --- doesn't seem PROPORTIONAL from a Neuro-Typical Perspective (even if neither one of you are quite Neuro-Typical)
I think this also relates to "REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA" and Emotions that tend to be TYPICAL in every way EXCEPT INTENSITY.

HUMOR -- COMIC RELIEF can help relieve the TENSION built up by relentless emotions that are TYPICAL in every way EXCEPT INTENSITY.
- BUT that too is fraught with peril.

I've been on both the giving and receiving end of UNAPPRECIATED HUMOR --- and it's not fun for anybody.

BUT I think as individuals and couples we are going to need to find some MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE ways to break the tension of RELENTLESS INTENSE EMOTIONS or it will take a HEAVY TOLL.

POSSIBLE RESOURCE:

Neurodiverse Couples Therapy in Lone Tree

Hyperfocus, Emotional Intensity & Ramped Up STress Responses in Neuro-Diversity require AWARENESS

6/19/2022

Conjecture

Adults and Kids with ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, and/or Gifted tend to have more INTENSE EMOTIONS ---
- maybe in part as the result of HYPER-CONNECTED BRAINS

On the one hand NEURO-DIVERSE people are often known for their ability to HYPER-FOCUS.

On the other hand, they have to spend more TIME and ENERGY processing INTENSE EMOTIONS.

Most people and certainly most NEURO-DIVERSE people find at some point in their lives that MANAGING STRESS requires a re-ordering of priorities:
- that could be a re-ordering for a child
- for an adult
- a couple, and/or
- a family

This is going to make RELATIONSHIPS ----
- MORE WORK.
- AWARENESS on the part of individuals and the society has the POTENTIAL to:
  - reduce STRESS and
  - improve relationships.

ADHD BOSS: Hyperfocus – How to Gain an Unfair Advantage with ADHD (2017)

VICE: People with ADHD can actually FOCUS so Hard it's Scary (2017)

Is it EMOTIONAL INTENSITY, EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION or BOTH?

The name or label we use tends to depend on whether we're referring to "GIFTEDNESS" or "ADHD" or "AUTISM," etc. ---

But they all come under the category of "Neurodiversity"

Neuro-Diversity and a Ramped Up Stress Response

IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH

5/31/2022

Is a Neuro-Developmental Difference / Disorder an Illness?

Well, it generally does involve DEVELOPMENTAL INFLAMMATION
Inflammation is associated with chronic illness, autoimmune disorders, psychiatric disorders, substance use disorders, cancer and pre-mature aging.

I think one of the reasons we have so much "NEURO-DIVERSITY" is as challenging as it is ---
- there are GIFTS

BUT it is getting harder and harder to IGNORE the LARGE HEALTH TOLL.

Further, many people are coming into this LATE to VERY LATE to TOO LATE DIAGNOSIS.
- That can have TRAGIC HEALTH CONSEQUENCES.

One of the things that FAMILIES have traditionally done is CARE FOR THE SICK.

BUT FAMILIES are NOT existing outside time and place:
- If the society attributes ILLNESS to a DEMON, the FAMILY may attribute a Family Member's Illness to a DEMON.
- If the society attributes ILLNESS to being a BAD PERSON --- ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER ---
  - The FAMILY may attribute the person's ILLNESS to being a BAD PERSON

If the FAMILY gets really honest:
- The FAMILY may acknowledge that the Family Member is NOT a DEMON or Evil
- BUT the FAMILY doesn't have a MAGIC WAND anymore than the SOCIETY does.

Harry Potter gets his wand in the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal (1957)

The Knight questions the "witch" to find the Devil in hopes of finding God.

Unfortunately, I could not find a clip that would play on this site.

Longmire (appropriately named)
TV Series premiered 2012

Follows the professional and personal challenges of Walt Longmire, a Wyoming Sheriff.

This clip examines the relationships of Walt's attorney daughter Cady after a "head injury" from a car accident.

See Wikipedia

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blackgirllostkeys.com

"Religion is for Those Who Don't Want to Go to Hell --- Spirituality is for Those Who Have Been There"

Ramped Up Stress Responses Often Lead to Control Freaks

Mommy and Daddy Issues in Neuro-Diversity--- Recognizing Different Patterns

ASYNCHRONY, INTEGRATIVE THINKING & THE NEED FOR A "THIRD ALTERNATIVE"

You Don't Know, What You Don't Know --- But You Can Keep Learning

Executive Functioning Differences----You can't work on a SUPPORT PLAN & Work Arounds if you're too busy fighting REALITY

Time, Empathy, Relationships & Economics

Neuro-DIVERSE Relationships: A SOMETIMES TWO-WAY STREET in need of accurate maps

Hyperfocus, Emotional Intensity & Ramped Up STress Responses in Neuro-Diversity require AWARENESS

IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH

Translational Love, Relationships & Neuro-Diversity Saturday

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